A Star is Born – By guest blogger Michael Leslie Triemert

Hello to the seven people that will read this. My name is Mike Triemert, and I’m Colin’s best friend that hasn’t given a terrible speech at his wedding. For those who don’t know me, I went to college with Colin and have seen his penis no less than 47 times. I live in NE Minneapolis with my 1st wife Mandi and a special-needs dog named Lucky.

Colin hasn’t had much time to watch movies since he is super busy working 18 hours a week at his current job and ‘kind of’ being a family man with his lovely wife and daughter. He spends a lot of time watching football in his basement and gambling (he says he wins LOL!!).

The movie I will be reviewing is “A Star is Born”. Some of you may think that my wife picked out this movie, but you are dead wrong. I am a hardcore Gaga fan. I love her music so much I made them play, “Born this Way” at my Uncle’s funeral. Don’t worry, I told everyone he was secretly gay and he would have wanted it this way. Anywhooo, I will try to avoid spoilers for you people with kids who are unable to attend ‘R’ movies anymore, but there are some pretty shocking scenes in this movie. I ALMOST cried during this movie, and I haven’t cried during a movie since my dad told me I was gay for crying during the Lion King. Good times!

Some disclaimers. I saw the movie after a night of drinking and a White Castle run. I admit I probably missed some key plot points during one of my 3 bathroom/ smoke breaks, but I think I got the gist of it. Shout out to the Asian guy in my row who did not look annoyed at my constant leaving, or the fact that I put my hand on his leg during one of the love scenes. Basically the plot is, Bradley Cooper (Jackson Maine) is a hard-drinking country star (how original a country musician who drinks too much!), who meets a talented unknown singer some Italian name? (Lady Gaga). He helps jump-start her career, they do the nasty a few times, and some shit happens.

Cooper also directed this movie according to the Internet! For a guy from the Hangover movies, he does better than expected with a singing role, but at a certain point I grew tired of his auto tuned country voice. I didn’t get why Cooper’s character drinks as much as he does? He just likes to party? Is he addicted and has to drink? Is he Irish? I thought they could have elaborated on this a bit more (maybe they did, like I said I went to the bathroom 4 times, and was a little high during the movie).

Things I loved-Gaga crushes this role. I can’t believe how Italian Lady Gaga looks and sounds in this movie. I surprise she doesn’t have a couple scenes where she eats pasta or talks about the Sopranos. Her early scenes singing are dynamite. I haven’t been impressed by someone’s natural talent, since I first laid eyes on a young Eric Trump in an Apprentice episode where they open a Lady Foot locker. Her performance will surely get some Oscar attention, but how would I know, I’ve only seen like 3 movies this year. Andrew Dice Clay does a bang-up job in his role as Gaga’s father/ biggest fan. Sam Elliot plays Bradley Cooper’s brother/ manager. This is a great role for Sam Elliot since he seems like he has been 65 years old since his performance in Roadhouse 30 years ago.

Qualm 1- I found the title quite misleading, because at no point in the movie does anyone give birth and I did not see any discussion of astronomy.

Qualm 2-There are some clich├ęs that might get an eye roll or two. For example, I’d like to see a movie, where a character says they write their own songs, and they start to sing one, and it’s terrible. Like, yeah great song Denise, but don’t quit your day job! Better leave it to the experts like Taylor Swift.

There is some nudity in this movie, if you are in to that sort of thing, but unfortunately, you don’t get to see Sam Elliot’s nut sack, so better luck next movie mejo!

I give this movie an A-. Thanks for reading losers!

One thought on “A Star is Born – By guest blogger Michael Leslie Triemert”

  1. This writer is an asshole. He smelled of ball sweat, Sour Patch Kids, and cheap American cheese. The Velveeta kind.

    His wife is hot, though. Looks like a Trump supporter.

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